THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH

I do solemnly swear by that which I hold most sacred:
That I will be loyal to the profession of medicine and just and generous to its member;

That I will lead my life and practice my art in uprightness and honor;

That whatever house I shall enter, it shall be for the good of the sick to the utmost of my power;

That I will hold myself aloof from wrong;

That I will exercise my art solely for the cure of my patients, and will give no drug and perform no operation for a criminal purpose;

That whatsoever I shall see or hear of the lives of men and women that should not be spoken, I will keep secret;

These I do promise, and in proportion as I am faithful to this my oath may happiness and good repute be ever mine.

THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH

I swear under penalty of perjury to the Supreme Provider and to the National Practitioner Data Bank, and all other existing databases, to keep the following oath:
 
That I will be loyal to the profession of medicine by never healing anyone, but instead will give only allopathic band-aids that cover up symptoms;
 
That I will care for my patients only as deemed medically necessary by the patient’s insurance company, and that I will process his insurance the same as anyone else, as to waive his coinsurance would be the worst and most heinous health care fraud;
 
That if ordered by the Commander in Chief under the Model State Health Emergency Powers Act, I shall accompany police into the homes of God’s people, and inject them with any concoction the Commander (although practicing medicine without a license) shall order (even if I know that such contains microchips or viruses that have emerged from my Commander’s laboratories);

That should the State wish to confiscate my patient’s property; I shall declare it “contaminated”;

That I will prescribe a regimen for the good of my patients, not according to my ability and judgment, but by the prescribed clinical pathways using only drugs covered by the patient’s insurance;

That I will not admit a patient to the hospital without pre-certification of admission;

That I will not up code, and will keep the medical record free of any admissions of medical mistakes;
That I will hasten the patient’s demise should any complications develop, since patient’s family will recover smaller damages if the patient is dead than if the patient is maimed for life;

That I will act as an Agent of the State, administering biological warfare agents as per US Code, Title 50, Chapter 32, § 1520 and 1524; even though doing so without the patient’s consent is a violation of the Nuremberg Code;

That whatsoever I shall see or hear of the lives of men and women that should not be spoken, I will report to the State;

That whatever parent should decide not to inoculate their child with disease, I shall immediately report to the SS (Social Services) so that child can be immediately abducted from his home;

That whatever child in my care should be sexually assaulted, I shall not document if the State says that the perpetrator is “immune”;

That I shall not teach my patients about techniques of detoxification, since to do so would make them aware that all of the allopathic band-aids are toxic;
That should research paid for by the Medical-Military-Industrial complex not reveal the expected results, I will use statistics to twist the data; and should I discover my superiors are doing such, I shall hide such to protect the institution;

If I keep this oath faithfully, may I always have a Mercedes in my driveway; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the appropriate authorities discipline me, have my privileges irrevocably extinguished for all eternity, or order psychiatric treatment (whatsoever is ordered by the Supreme Commander to prevent the death of medicine)